bpt2.0

Tough Week

2010-10-24T11:10:00.003-04:00

A two fisted blow last week. In supervision, I was struck by a comment which made me think back to my Master's thesis and question if I was wrong in some assumptions. Then in Clinical, I was hurt by some comments pertaining to an intervention attempted with a difficult case. One colleague's comments were particularly pointed at my ego which was very uncomfortable. Even though I'm sure these words were not meant to hurt, this colleague and I usually have a good rapport, therefore I feel the sting a bit stronger perhaps.

Noticing some depression returning as of late. The desire to isolate, avoid and react is a constant companion. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed and pulled in many directions at once. My confidence has been shaken.

Autumnally Ensconced

2010-10-16T10:02:00.002-04:00

Looks like Autumn has finally arrived and we have cool, windy weather. I myself, as many of you know, happen to love this time of year.

Today, looking forward to a NAAP AIT meeting in NYC, followed by coffee with TG.

2010-02-12T09:42:00.002-05:00

Finally got about 3 hours of sleep then woke to K running out of shower to exclaim, "I think the furnace won't turn on!" Uh huh, no furnace, no heat no hot water. Repair man here now. Ugh!

Can't sleep. Yes songs on

2010-02-12T02:26:00.001-05:00

Can't sleep. Yes songs on iPod for 2.5 hours lying in bed. Cat at my feet & K out cold. Too many thoughts. Brain too active.

2010-02-10T16:18:00.002-05:00

Cookies on a winter day!

Blizzard - 2/10

2010-02-10T16:17:00.002-05:00

Backyard blizzard shot.

Suddenly 17

2010-02-02T09:39:00.001-05:00

It's funny how putting on a baseball hat can summon back images from the past...

The Eternal Climb

2010-02-01T10:37:00.007-05:00

Photograph by Reinhold Messner

"I am nothing more than a single, narrow, gasping lung, floating over the mists and the summits," wrote Reinhold Messner after becoming the first person to reach the top of Mount Everest alone with no supplemental oxygen.

Finding it very hard to be the person I want to be lately. Obstacles, although ever-present, seem to make their way into my life rather easily. Naturally I take responsibility for many of those. We bring into our lives that which we attract.

However, it should not be so hard to expect support, encouragement, and faith from those closest to us. Blame, rejection, anger, fear, dishonesty and avoidance are all super ingredients for a mean vat of turmoil and the ruination of everything a relationship rests its foundation upon.

My ears have heard enough from those I would expect "had my back" so to speak. I'm proud of the person I've become over time and the challenges I've faced and conquered. Why aren't they? Why not come along for the ride? I've accepted you and the differences between us. Why can't you?

I realize I shouldn't let other's opinions about me dash my inner confidence but it's an uphill battle to climb with a stiff wind in one's face. I must admit that periodically I consider giving in and giving up. It doesn't last long, yet the consequence is that a little more of the armor is chipped away and there are only so many battle scars one can sustain.

2010-01-29T16:29:00.002-05:00

I love the seductive curves a beautiful guitar echoes...Especially when it's mine. Laura G. would agree I'm sure.

Who's This Bloke? - Click Here

2010-01-07T09:56:00.003-05:00

The Flying Fanelli's

2010-01-07T09:40:00.002-05:00

iPhoneHand

2010-01-07T09:26:00.000-05:00

Gradual Flow

2009-12-18T12:01:00.004-05:00

Running out to Centenary to pick up my cap & gown with AF today. Strange to be done with studies but looking forward to a break over the holidays, albeit a short one.

Still seeing patients at hospital and hoping to start at the ACAP Consultation Center in January. I've found out that I can take the exam for LAC/LPC before completing all 4000 patient hours. This is great news indeed!

Started scanning the job landscape in the mental health, education and HR fields to get an idea of what is out there and possible for me. Some promising leads actually. More on this to come.

I have joined NAAP's A-I-T committee and have been nominated to be a representative for ACAP on the committee for the Society of Modern Psychoanalysts. Things are flowing indeed.

2009-12-04T14:28:00.002-05:00

A reward to myself.

2009-12-04T09:45:00.002-05:00

Morning view.

The Maestro - Christmas Project '09

2009-11-12T17:24:00.002-05:00

ZobieCat

2009-11-07T13:29:00.003-05:00

More Autumn

2009-10-23T11:58:00.002-04:00

2 more shots from around town...

Fall Catch Up

2009-10-16T10:12:00.004-04:00

Haven't posted in a long time. Staying busy with classes, patients, thesis contemplation, gym, doing video work for PO's Christmas CD/DVD and the other generalities of life.

Need to find time to work with GD on guitar parts and songs...feeling a bit of a creative surge coming on again.

Dishwasher decided to take a permanent vacation last week. 11 years of active duty at our house and one day, nothing. Picking up new one today and hoping to install tonight. Wish me luck.

Rainy and cold in NJ today. Much more like winter than autumn.

12 Steps Up & 1 Sore Back

2009-08-13T13:43:00.002-04:00

Well, it was bound to happen. I was feeling great yesterday. Even thought I quite possibly had the back issue licked. Then a simple attempt at picking up the laundry basket, one that was not heavy at all, one that I had already moved once this morning and bam! Out goes the back again. Down on my knees and 3 minutes before getting off the floor.

A trip to the Chiro soon after and its better but still nowhere near yesterday. I feel as though I'm back at the third day of the original injury. Ugh! Another Chiro trip later today and ice in my future. Wish me luck.

8 Weeks

2009-08-12T09:50:00.004-04:00

August 12th already and I haven't written a thing further on the thesis. This summer is flying. Now that PP is dead I will need to comb over the process notes from the past year and a half, analyze some patterns and link them to theories. I believe once I start writing again it will flow on its own. Just need to make the leap.

LC is gone now. Taken back to Greystone after causing a scene at a local law office and then transferred to a hospital. She called me at the group home once to chat. I fear now that she is back at Greystone I won't hear from her again. I hope she gets the care she needs.

Learned some interesting but sad and disturbing information about J. A suicide attempt where a friend found and saved him while still on the chair.

The positive highlight this week - HS sketched a very creative and artistic face on paper with markers. She has been in the system for many years and I'm told she doesn't do this. I can't help but wonder if our sessions have anything to do with it.

New Day, Better Back

2009-08-05T09:36:00.002-04:00

Ok, so the back is better but it feels like I've been mugged. Wonder masseur-in-training AF worked magic for me yesterday. Relief was mine and sleep was much improved.

Today much of that remains, yet I feel as I once did after many hours of skating drills in my hockey days. No doubt it would be certainly worse had I not been treated to AF's capable hands.

Wrentched

2009-08-04T10:00:00.002-04:00

Wife and Daughter at the beach and I stuck at home with a wrentched back since Friday. I got out of the house yesterday to see patients and drop by the school but I fear the driving may have been too much. Not sure at this point if I will attempt it again today. A trip to Great Adventure this week seems unfathomable to me right now. I surely will miss out if this doesn't improve pronto.

Ugh!

Sideview on E 4th

2009-05-29T19:31:00.001-04:00

The Perfect Human

2009-03-07T18:27:00.006-05:00

Searching for Waves in the Corporate Landscape that is Today's World

2009-02-18T15:01:00.004-05:00

blackberry time?

2009-02-10T11:25:00.002-05:00

So I've decided to jump into the blackberry fray. I haven't had one in a few years (twice required at 2 different jobs) and have been happy about it. But now, finding myself texting more and with the desire to check, blogs and other sites more often I think it might be time. Besides, I'm sick of my old phone. I'll admit it has served me well and has taken many a fall without breaking. Yet, there comes a time when a new device is necessary. Now is that time.

So, shall it be the blackberry Pearl or Curve? Any thoughts?

2009-02-09T16:40:00.001-05:00

Signed up with Twitter today...I'll admit I'm skeptical but slightly intrigued as well. I'll report back when I have more thoughts.

2009-02-07T18:20:00.003-05:00

Today has been a relaxing Saturday. This morning, K surprised us with a Wii Fit, which we had been waiting in great anticipation for. After setup and a couple of hours of Wii gaming under our belts, S went to a friend's house to play, K shopped for T family sustenance and I engaged in much needed reading for classes.

K is now in enjoyment mode on the couch engrossed in a book, S is watching TV and playing while I type. Soon to dinner and perhaps an evening of games old style (of the board non-bored type).

The Resistance

2009-02-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

A few of us decided last week over lunch at Egans that a student organization of some kind is needed at ACAP so we are going to create one. I'm actually quite excited to be a part of this which totally surprises me as I wouldn't normally be. In fact, I'm involved in a lot of things already so I fear I may overextend myself. Yet, I'm pretty positive about it and find myself looking forward to getting involved.

Tonight we had our first meeting at school to go over ideas for the group. 8 of us discussed a variety of needs, desires and wishes for the group and how to begin. Wish us luck.

2009-01-24T13:51:00.001-05:00

Couple of pints at Egans in Montclair today

August, 1997

2009-01-16T10:37:00.003-05:00

Listening to August, 1997 from the cd Untune The Sky by Trey Gunn. Even though I have had this cd for quite a while I always get stuck on this song and find myself hitting repeat over and over again. While there are many good tracks on it and indeed it stands on its own as a very impressive collection of motifs, this one track is so hauntingly addictive. A mere 1:37, it is a set of loops that transform my mind to places I feel simultaneously I've known and never been.

Fool Without a Plan

2009-01-08T11:12:00.003-05:00

who would I be
if you had your way
what kind of a song
with no notes to play

caught in this trap
of loving you again
so easy to be
a fool without a plan

a fool without a plan
fool without a plan
a fool without a plan
fool without a plan

my loss is your gain
a new path to begin
your voice clearly heard
over the howling wind

you pass your judgement
upon me my friend
a loose set of rules
a fool without a plan

Spring '09 Registration

2008-12-19T11:14:00.004-05:00

Alright enough...it is decided:

Tues - Group: The Ego & The Mechanisms of the Family
Thurs - Research Methods & Thesis Advisement/Case Presentation

I'm going to roll the dice and hope that I can sway the committee to ensure the Modern Theory Class is available fall '09. Now, to find an instructor who would be interested in meeting regularly for case supervision.

End Of Fall 2008 Semester

2008-12-19T10:13:00.003-05:00

Ok, so last night was the end of the semester for me. If all goes according to plan, by this time next year I shall have completed my Master's program. 18 credits left to go.

Now I need to schedule next semester and I have a big decision to make. I'm going to take 1 class on Tuesday nights and another on Thursday nights. There are 2 classes offered on Saturday that I should consider too. I'm just not sure that I want to do that to myself. The dilemma is that I don't know when they will be offered again. there is no guarantee they will be available to take in Sept.

This is a lot for a married, 39 year old working professional who coaches girls softball, wants to spend time at home with the family and indeed craves alone time as well.

Sigh.

2008-12-15T13:40:00.001-05:00

facebook is cutting into my blog time...highly addictive stuff. Silly but fun indeed.

2008-12-04T18:24:00.001-05:00

Starbucks - Livingston, NJ

Who Me?

2008-12-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

2008-11-26T13:51:00.003-05:00

I'm sleepy...can't decide if it's due to the lunch I just had (high carbs) or the final exam I have to complete by Friday for my online class. Its a real snoozer. This class is the absolute worst I've had since starting my Master's studies. It is the typical "required" class that colleges love to tack on to their curricula - money makers. Grumble, grumble, I know...I'll be happy when its over.

I have figured out that I have 18 credits left after this semester. That is a welcome bit of information indeed.

2008-11-15T14:08:00.002-05:00

Chimney Sweeps have come and gone...unbeknownst to them, their first and last time. With a ladder falling off the roof, malfunctioning equipment (vacuum) and the lack of care in clean up one has to wonder how they make a living. Also, being told they would arrive between 7-10am and then showing at 1PM (to be fair a call was made)I'm still rather put off. They graciously informed me of other work still needing to be done. Well, thank you then.

This Day

2008-11-15T11:55:00.004-05:00

65 degrees & rain here...for November, odd. I hate when it fluctuates like this. However, I have the house to myself, coffee and much writing to accomplish. Perhaps some guitar practice to un-clutter my mind as well.

Uncle M was in the hospital this week...75 with leg pain, weird EKG...Home now, I spoke with him by phone. The pain remains, rest required.

A call to I.F. financial whiz for catch-up, meeting scheduling and golf chat. It has been too long indeed.

Emails sent, pictures transferred from laptop to external drive, waiting on chimney sweepers to come and make the fireplace happy again. The forecast says chills are on the way...hopefully just in time.

smear

2008-11-12T14:09:00.002-05:00

2nd Day Back...

2008-11-12T10:25:00.002-05:00

...at work that is and let's hope it is better than the 1st. Things here are going the way all corporate structures do in that they tend to lean or sag eventually. Similar to a structure that has a lot of support in the beginning then slackens in the middle, only to be overcompensated for in the end while watching the middle collapse.

In this current climate many are losing their jobs. 1 close pal comes to mind and another states it is only a matter of time for him as well.

Tonight, a visit to TG for a lesson. It has been way too long.

2008-11-10T15:54:00.002-05:00

Thunder Hole - Acadia National Park, ME

2008-11-10T15:48:00.001-05:00

Bass Harbor Lighthouse - Acadia National Park, ME

Posting from the road -

2008-11-05T20:18:00.001-05:00

Posting from the road - on Rt 95 in ME. Fanellis following. Should make Bar Harbor by 10.

Quote of the Day

2008-11-05T20:07:00.002-05:00

"I love urban duck." - Damian Fanelli

Which Blend Are You?

2008-11-04T11:27:00.001-05:00

Election Day 2008

2008-11-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

Vote

Quote Of The Day

2008-10-31T11:00:00.002-04:00

“I think we all create a fictional version of ourselves, too,” he concludes. “I know this is bizarre, but when I look in the mirror, I see this handsome man looking back at me. But if I see a snapshot of myself that somebody took at a party, I see a pallid, grossly unattractive old man. It’s like when you walk down the street and catch a glimpse of yourself reflected in a store window and think, ‘God, who is that?’ A different version of ourselves exists in our minds and our imaginations — and who’s to say which self is the real one?”

- Joe Frank (taken from Joe Frank: Off the Radio posted on www.laweekly.com 9/16/08)

Mad-Eye

2008-10-31T09:34:00.001-04:00

2008-10-30T18:32:00.003-04:00

Between classes with Beck's cell phone's dead playing above.

2008-10-30T09:49:00.002-04:00

...and I'm hovering like a fly waiting for the windshield on the freeway...

- Genesis (Peter Gabriel) - Fly on a Windshield - The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway

3PM - Coffee Time

2008-10-28T15:08:00.002-04:00

More Busy-work

2008-10-28T14:48:00.001-04:00

work-busywork

2008-10-28T14:46:00.002-04:00

Always Something

2008-10-28T11:18:00.002-04:00

So I'm starting to get "snippy" or "snappy," whichever you prefer but I'm sure you get the idea. School, work and everything else converging. Hey, it happens. But I don't like that I have this side of me that gets defensive and strikes out. I'm supposed to be learning to maintain.

NP: Mozart - Rondo for Violin and Orch #1

Workload

2008-10-21T10:39:00.002-04:00

Schoolwork looms over me like a vulture waiting to swoop. I can see it, perched, patiently biding its time for the perfect moment to strike. It follows me through the streets of town, waits for me outside the coffee shop unless invited in and rests on my cubicle wall while at work.

It is ancient and worn with steel gray vacant eyes and faded yellow talons. My opportunistic friend looking for satisfaction.

I wonder if I'll taste good?

Quote of the Day

2008-10-17T09:18:00.002-04:00

"The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease; the happy man inevitably confines himself within ancient limits."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables

Car

2008-10-16T23:55:00.004-04:00

Later today, a trip to VW to see about a new lease. Jetta 2006 to be returned most likely. Hello Jetta 2009?...maybe.

I like the idea of the new TDI Diesel getting 30 to 40 mpg if indeed its true of course. I must admit the idea of diesel is a bit new to me. So many questions.

Bed awaits...

Rock'nJack

2008-10-16T23:54:00.001-04:00

Herr Surfing Freud

2008-10-13T16:28:00.002-04:00

Sense of Impending Doom

2008-10-13T11:19:00.003-04:00

The Cardiologist says stay away from the coffee or switch to decaf. I have what is known as SVTs (supraventricular tachycardia). Basically, my heart has little spots that intercept the normal sinus node impulse and decide to fuck with it - creating a very quick beat (180bps average) which is impossible to count. It comes randomly and lasts anywhere between 5 and 45 minutes. I've had 2 instances in the past year so it is a rare occurrence yet pretty annoying all the same. The first time was back in Aug 2000 and it lasted for 5 hours. I ended up in the ER but nothing helped it including Adenosine and beta blockers. Eventually, it stopped on its own that day. Not my heart mind you, the SVT. Just like that and I was back to my normal 80bps.

I love the quote at the end of the Adenosine link under side effects where it says...It is classically associated with a sense of "impending doom." That is exactly what it was like. A very unpleasant feeling...One I never want to feel again.

Open Wide and Say Huh?

2008-10-13T08:33:00.004-04:00

Strangely enough, I'm starting to get the idea the reason behind my writing drought is being a grad student. Not just being a grad student but a psychoanalytic grad student. We read a lot, talk a lot, think a lot and supposedly write a lot. This last area I seem to be having a great deal of resistance to. Funny, because all my life I have been a writer. Now, I over-analyze or self-censor to a high degree. I used to be pretty good at automatic writing, a valuable tool when plagued by writer's block. Now, I think too much and actually concern myself with consequences. I know, that seems responsible. But too much responsibility can be the death of the artist & thinker. Or, the undoing of the student.

Upgraded Layout & Mini Rant

2008-10-12T23:35:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd take a stab and try the new layout feature. Of course all comments welcomed here so let 'er rip if you like.

Classes are starting to get heavy. 2 papers, 2 journal articles, reading and process notes all due this week. Ahh, the grad school blues plus working for a living...a healthy dose of reality there eh?

Cheers!

Relentless Pursuit of Visions From the Waterfront

2008-10-11T00:51:00.003-04:00

Good evening all. Things are stirring once again. The engine is warming up as fall enters willingly. Isolation no longer seems necessary and therefore a break is warranted.

More to come.

-b

Crawling From Shells

2008-05-29T10:05:00.007-04:00

Reaching for lives lost
a quick worry
perhaps hesitation
following yourself around
this circular indiscretion

sand in your eyes
fluid flowing over wounds
healed without a stitch
scars tell tales
covering the unseen itch

this day is new
born from destiny's trial
crawling from shells
leaving our holes
coursing through hell

following this paradigm
alive but dead inside
bellies to the ground
spurned on by the tide
screaming a silent sound

Maintain The Balance - Earth Day '08

2008-04-22T10:16:00.003-04:00

The most important thing in the universe is balance. Like the surfer shooting across the face of a wave in harmony with nature. The skater's graceful glide. All of us juggling our structured and free time each day. And perhaps most importantly, within the relationships with one another. Giving and taking what we need equally. Each of these microcosms rely on balance which in turn support all in existence. Keep looking up, keep living, keep loving. There is much to do.

Update

2008-01-22T11:54:00.001-05:00

Again its been a while since I've posted. Recently visited California with my Dad due to my Uncle Kevin passing away. I guess I've been re-evaluating what/why I blog/write for public view. Sorry, I mean no offense...just analyzing myself as usual. More on this soon.

Cheers!

Addiction

2008-01-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

Once again I'm iPod'ed...thankfully!

np: Kool Thing - (Goo - Sonic Youth)

Just Play

2008-01-02T15:14:00.001-05:00

Have neglected the guitar for quite a while now. Although it is very good that TG is working steadily again and I have been busy with studies, work and family life, I am starting to sense the need for regularity and my musical outlet. Of course I could help this by simply picking up the instrument on my own and practicing. However, there is something very special about working with another, especially when it comes to music. A return to both methods is duly needed.

Girl of a Thousand Possibilities

2008-01-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

Those lips are killers...and those eyes, make me want to cry with anticipation and desire. Do you feel it too? I think you do. I think you feel it too. Can you read my mind? Like a thousand times before, with a shake or shrug. This scene is real. This isolation inside with a scoop of denial but is it me or you?

First Night of 2008

2008-01-02T10:52:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve was a lot of fun this year. Added to our intimate cadre were our new friends Greg, Tamara and Devon. The evening passed with good conversation, laughs, wine, champagne, food and a sense of peaceful existence. Just the way we had hoped. Thanks to all for coming and brightening our night a little more.

Cheers!

Candy in a Dish

2008-01-02T10:38:00.000-05:00

The New Year's new
and we've already stained its blush
with the indignity
of human anger
a sorry commentary
on our nature
as people
of higher intelligence
our supposed communication skills
vacationing
while instinct leans across the bar
saying, what'lya have?

Long

2007-09-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

Damn, I know its been a long time. So much to tell and yet somehow not sure how or if I want to say it all. Anyway, posts to follow. There sure is enough to choose from.

Hope everyone out there is ok. I know it can be rough.

Evening Of Always

2007-08-15T17:08:00.000-04:00

Her scent
lingered on my hands
all night and into
the next day
my mind rich
with thoughts of our fond smiles
lifting hands to my face
to splash water for waking
I'm reminded
of her sweet being
her gift to me
our evening of always

Dark Cabin

2007-08-15T16:57:00.000-04:00

I'm not quite sure
who or where?
when or how?
it comes on without introduction
a malady of confinement
easing into my being
like an afternoon shower
no clouds
just soft summer rain
with a delicate hue
through the screens

Of course,
it's not quite as romantic
it flows over me
like a shawl of death
a dark cabin

A way unlit
a cold February moonless night
gone from the childhood
of innocent fortune

Need To Dislodge

2007-08-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

Stuff is itching to come out. I can feel it pushing its way outward. I was inspired last night by Damien Rice, Jamiroquai and Goo Goo Dolls after watching Live From Abbey Road. Why haven't I been writing. I know there is material - just need to dislodge. I did manage to write a solid chorus though...proud of it I might add. Its been a while. I hope I can structure something around it.

On the other hand I'm not inspired to create the same, for the same. Time for another change?!

Road To Somewhere?

2007-08-08T14:53:00.000-04:00

Letter from ACAP acquired, bio written, emails to Dr. G sent, call to Dr. L completed and CC tells me all is well with my loan application. Now to complete the class registration and all should be clear sailing then...keep your fingers crossed.

Day Of Progress

2007-08-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

A lot of progress yesterday. I was able to reach the Dir of Financial Aid at CC and finally obtain useful information, apply for my loan, talk to my Advisor to make a "specific" plan and generally figure out what direction I'm headed. This was greatly needed.

Still waiting on a letter from ACAP so I can present myself more properly to Dr. G. After a lovely conversation with her I'm feeling very positive about my Externship possibilities.

Blue and Grey by Rothko

2007-08-01T17:57:00.000-04:00

"Art is the enemy of the routine, the mechanical and the humdrum. It stops us in our tracks with a high voltage jolt of disturbance; it reminds us of what humanity can do beyond the daily grind. It takes us places we had never dreamed of going; it makes us look again at what we had taken for granted."
- Simon Schama

Been watching Simon Schama's The Power Of Art on PBS recently and really love the way he presents the Artists and their work. I was especially taken by his presentation of Rothko. I currently have this on my desktop...and can't stop staring at it.

Did I Really Exist?

2007-08-01T16:22:00.000-04:00

Many stories lately in the news of abductions, murders, deaths in general. Indeed, too many really. Which got me to thinking...I'm not always going to be who I am. This entity I inhabit, these "footprints" I leave are not really mine...I'm rented space. This reality, which I've only just recently begun to realize or try to understand, is mine and only mine. Vastly differing from anyone else's, yet we all inhabit this common space.

My entity will cease to exist. This body I have - that I've been carrying around for a while - will no longer function as it does now. It will break down, fail, rot, decompose like the mulch I love in my garden. It will not be here. What once was, no longer is...physically speaking of course. It can be a surreal thought. Like looking back at your past and wondering who you were then. Did I really do those things, wear those clothes, cut my hair that way...did I really exist?

2007-07-26T16:51:00.000-04:00

Another lesson last night. Still working on Norwegian Wood but this time all the way through. More work on attention to detail specifically left & right hands. Being "In The Moment," not guessing but listening.

Special feeling of sychronicity at one point. I was sure TG felt it too. One section played was just right - without looking - and upon making eye contact an assuredness. This is one of the greatest things about music. If you don't play it's very hard to understand.

Cape Fear

2007-07-26T15:41:00.000-04:00

Must stop thinking about IT so much. They are simply distractions. Yet oh so desireable. When I start I can't stop myself. Running into my secret world if only for a few waking moments to consider an idealization no matter how fantastic. The temptation can be unequivocal. So deleterious and fulfilling at the same moment. I wonder how far I would go and who I would become if I simply stepped across the plain and gave in to IT.

Chess 2

2007-07-24T17:06:00.000-04:00

Last night we played a best out of three round and I took two games. I think she's looking for revenge!

;0)

Chess

2007-07-24T16:58:00.000-04:00

Saturday night was a relaxing one for a change. So chess was a nice option for part of the evening.

Outcome: S beat me 3 out of 7 games. She is 7 years old. Very impressive and so cool to witness how her young mind works almost effortlessly. Her attention span may seem like it's drifting to the cat or her cup of ice cream or the song on the radio but then you are instantly pulled back as she slams down the Rook proclaiming Check Mate! Do I sound proud? I am indeed.

:0)

2007-07-23T15:31:00.000-04:00

DAMN! My iPod is dead.

Self-ish

2007-07-19T11:55:00.000-04:00

I had this fantasy that you fulfilled. I escaped reality by plunging head first into you, into myself. My drug of choice. The terror in my soul of being misunderstood or left alone drove me to make decisions. Indeed, aren't we the same in this respect? Don't we all make decisions based on information that flows through our own filters? Creating our own rough draft or sketch of ourselves.

Indemnity

2007-07-17T17:03:00.000-04:00

I read your blog today. Took way too much time to do it too, when in retrospect I should have been working. But I couldn't stop. Couldn't rip my eyes away. I searched and searched, back through pages of entries over the past 4 years but couldn't find what I was looking for. Oh yes, I found questionable postings that made me wonder. Thoughts that streamed from your consciousness I devoured in hopes of a glimpse of something recognizable. Yet, I found none. Indeed, what I found only forced me to ask hard questions...such hard questions.

2007-07-13T12:30:00.000-04:00

Wednesday's lesson was challenging yet needed. Continuing with C Major Pentatonic scale for most of the session. Improvement has been made and both confidence and patience are beginning to show. TG suggested we begin work on Norwegian Wood. I gladly concurred.

Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital

2007-07-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

-Photo by JGray

Ushay Luau '07

2007-07-11T15:04:00.001-04:00

Even the kids love Lifestream!

HisshiT

2007-07-10T15:19:00.000-04:00

His shit's on the lawn
and she's screamin' his name
but he's lost in space
and through with the game

Rode away to the sea
tryin to find another way
but all there is
was another game to play

2007-07-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

This learning I do takes the mystery out of you...

Candle With Caffeine

2007-07-10T14:28:00.000-04:00

So, I have to call CC's financial aid office, check on State aid offers, get my ass down to Wachovia or some other loansharking institution. Then call around to a number of facilities - hospitals, homes, prisons, etc...but I can't rip myself away from listening to Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation while surfing this coffee buzz at the moment. Resistance, or a knack for timing. Could be both I guess.

Cataclysmic Catechism

2007-07-06T16:37:00.000-04:00

Session tonight. Lots to talk about yet brain seems to ache with the thought of it all. I know it will help but I'm awash with fatigue at the idea.

Gig tomorrow. Yeah, it's really a backyard party albeit with many people and many performers, but I'm not very interested. Something is missing. An element once vital and inspired seems to be dripping out of the crank-case of the creative collective we once shared. I wonder...

People continue to let me down. Although, I should be mad with myself for expecting more. Damn, how cynical that statement is. Yet it's how I feel. Surely juxtaposed points of view serve to inspire and ignite our imaginations don't they? However, we always seem to come back to what's familiar no matter how much dissimilar we crave?

Maybe we truly are all alone.

When I'm Alone...And Not So Alone

2007-07-06T16:15:00.000-04:00

I can respect that fantasy is a necessary component to life but it sure does turn up the desire fire a notch doesn't it? It's a catch 22...it helps soothe the urge yet feeds the flame.

First Externship Meeting

2007-06-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

Thursday I have a meeting at 11AM with Dr. B at school to discuss Externship and my options. I admit I'm a bit nervous for the first time. I guess because its becoming more official now. My exposure to the faculty will be greater and I will really be diving into my psychoanalytic career head first. No longer just studies and interaction...now its patients and theory and feelings and first hand experience. This is welcome of course but simultaneously daunting as with any new endeavour.

Bureaucracy At Its Finest

2007-06-26T09:50:00.000-04:00

Last night I completed my FAFSA online request and as excited as I was to get it in before the deadline I was equally frustrated to find out about the EFC. The Expected Family Contribution is found by a formula that the Govt uses to determine how much assitance you are eligible for based on what you submit on your forms (income/taxes/etc...). Well apparently they feel that I should be responsible for at least $28k on my own. Duh, if I had that kind of money laying around I wouldn't need assistance for Grad School. I mean come on people, what are you smoking??? Mind you, this is for only one year too. Can't wait to see what the results are from my submission. Duh.

This Wish

2007-06-25T16:40:00.000-04:00

Simple I work
simple I write
this wish across my mind

A tune for you
a look inside
this wish across my mind

I open myself
you close the light
this wish across my mind

We shake the deal
too close to lose
this wish across my mind

You won't have to slap my hand away
I'll step aside and watch you pray
for the life you never had
and the words I'll never say
you won't have to slap my hand away

In the dark
my silence dreams
this wish across my mind

Force the crowd
make them realize
this wish across my mind

Keep it light
make it shiny
this wish across my mind

Forget about
who it could be
this wish across my mind